I still had that mentality at the benefit show I opened last night, even though it was our night and there was a little cushion of time around each act.  I rushed.  I guess it’s a little about nerves but it’s mostly about “getting through” it, not because I want to be done with it but rather…hmmm…what?….feeling lost?

Last summer, I finally realized that I should play less. Just because I have forty minutes to play doesn’t mean every second has to be filled to smoosh in an extra song.

Note to self again:  even less is more.

A high school crush can never be repeated.  As sucky as it was at the time to have an unrequited longing for the guy two years older than me who was all too aware of the puppy dog following him around campus, I look back now and think about how fun it was.  Crushes are just not the same after one leaves teendom.

The weird thing is all this high school crush stuff has me thinking of one in particular and all these recurring themes related to him are coming up.   I saw some guy on the bus who looked just like him.  So I thought, “I wonder where he is?”  I was prompted to facebook, linked in, and google him–and he is nowhere to be found.  Oh well.  Then, last night at a house party, the song I made out with him to at some guy’s basement after a school dance came on.  All in the space of a week.

So what is this blue ribbon high school crush up to now?

What I couldn’t get over was the expanse, the undevelopment, the wide open spaces, and valleys far and wide.

It was an hour away and a completely different experience than what I have seen in Ulster and Dutchess, even Columbia and Greene.   It was in the volume, or lack thereof.  So much less developed, and preserved.  Historical.  Set in a time.  Like preserved, whereas as one heads east, there is so much more–people, mixing, transitions.  This area was pristine and well kept, house proud,  yet not precious and fancy.  Breathtaking.

Dinner at Stone and Thistle Farm’s monthly pop-up restaurant, Fable, was a lesson in city to country transitions, animal husbandry, good locavore dining and the best of people connections.  Hosts Tom and Denise are pretty awesome and soon to be “real” celebrities.

Now the net gets wider.  Country mouse east or country mouse west?   2 hours or 3?  1 acre or 50? Country or country country?

First I need to step it up and get to the point where I can even entertain these thoughts realistically.

Back to writing.

I have plenty in my closet.  Acquisition diet means: save money, recycle what I do have, be resourceful, stay calm.  Yes, I want some new items, but this is an interesting exercise.  So much so that I am pondering extension into a third month.  It’s eco-friendlier too. Detractors will say I’m not helping the economy.  Oh, I live in NYC.  I leak money no matter what just being here.  I have a recording to finish anyway… I shouldn’t be out shopping. When I do, I obsess and the floodgates open.  So maybe I will go for April.  I’ll treat myself in May–the one year anniversary of my abstinence from television.

It was totally what would never happen there on that perfect, idyllic, manicured suburban lane.  So what does it mean?  That I can never go back?   I have known that since Daddy died and we sold the house 10 years ago.  That it was sad, heavy, painful for me despite its beauty? That no house was as perfect as they seemed on the outside?  That we were not the only ones with the nice-looking brick Colonial exterior and the mayhem within?  Possibly but we probably took the cake.

I wonder who is there now?  I imagine most of our configuration of neighbors is gone.

Last time I drove down the block, about a year ago, I drove slowly past my house, as I do when I am in the area.  My front door was candy apple red.

Shiny, inviting, promising.